TRAP

I am caught in a trap.When I watch a great movie, read great novel or listen great people, then something motivate me to change myself and my work. It appear at the time that I leave everything and search for my interest. But after spending some time on introspection, I realise that there are so complex thing that I can not understand. For the time being, whatever I am doing, I should continue with that. Any compromise would happen sometime that would be best suitable for me. So I leave myself as it is. From my past little experience, I have learnt this much that we must find what we love to do and we should not compromise on that. Everything else is secondary.

But,unfortunately, I am still discovering what I love to do. My thoughts till now have been mostly influenced by others, not myself. My all decisions, giving exams of IIT, select Mechanical Engg, doing work in Baja and many more have been decided by others. The selection of courses is the one thing that I do myself with my knowledge. That gives me immense satisfaction when my choice happens to be the best. I am confident enough that I would be successful once I take one field that I want to work in.

Now for the future, whether to give GRE, GMAT, CAT or just take directly job, I am confused. Things are not clear to me. But one thing that I realise from my heart is that I want to do something big, gain respect from others, change some lives and in a way my life also.I know that this might not sound indifferent to you but this is what I am able to get till now. And I think it represents something , my fate will take me to. My motive is to make life comfortable for my family and show loyalty to my relatives who are making my career and have been helping my family without any thought of return. But I do not want to spend my life living for myself. I want to make some difference and make people to remember me after death.

I came to know about death as an intellectual concept in previous years by Steve Jobs, Prof. P.L.Dhar and some reading. If we always remember that some day we are going to die, we start to live life dfferently. That day can come any time. We should be thankful to God to give us whatever time we have and we should not waste this previous time by living someone's life. but this requires courage for which I am looking here and there.

Oh my mother!

If anyone would ask me
What is the aim of your life?
If anybody would question me
What is it that you are living for?
It is an easy answer and no-brainer
I am living for my mother


As everyone loves his mother
So do I.
Where is the big difference?
No, I do not compare
But still, my eyes see her vision
My mind thinks her thoughts
My ears echo her sound
My body walks her path


The life, she has lived
The tears, she has beared
The struggles, she has fought
I remember clearly
All that is for me only
I am, her dream
I am, her hope
I am, her desire


She lives everyday, thinking
I would change something
She has embroidered cloth
to feed me, to educate me
She has tolerated everything
to put values in me
And here I am
Standing with her power
thinking what can I do for her.


My life is made by her hands
Her joy, her sorrow are mine's
My happiness lies in her happiness.

I realise every day that so many bad things have made their home to my mind, heart and body since I came to this holy place called IITD. I face them every moment at some way or the other. When I look back, I see clearly myself as a very dedicating, never tiring person always wanting to help others. All these characteristics, I consider, were priceless diamonds given to me by parents, friends and God. But I regret to watch these specialities disappering from me. The hostile environment of friend circle and globalisation effect have reduced me to a person aspiring of doing "Big" works by short cuts and wanting the maximum credit even without doing work. My thinking sphere has shrinkened itself only seeking bad things about others and maligning them and unhealthy competition, selfishness, lustful thoughts and all others.
I consider the reasons behind all this is the lack of self-teaching so others changed me according to their nature and I could not understand what was I doing. Externally, I was unable to get a person with me who can motivate and guide me. So
my heart stopped working. So I find myself in a very complex situation when I could not understand basic and simple principles of life. I was destined to work in a worst team that could be possible here unfortunately or fortunately. So I started to become worse and worse. But still I hope that whatever God does is for nothing but for the good of man. If I think positively, then this environment stimulates the real world environment that I am going to get while working in Industry. So I become able to excel in this environment, then I can survive anywhere.

some quotes

How heavy is the toll of sins and wrongs that wealth, power and prestige exact from man!
Things heard of from distance appear bigger than they are.
How men can feel them honoured by the humiliation of their fellow-beings.
The heart's earnest and pure desire is always fulfilled

Ponders on objects of the sense, there springs
Attraction; from attraction grows desire,
Desire flams to fierce passion, passion breeds
Recklessness; then the memory- all betrayed-
Lets noble purpose go, and sops the mind
Till purpose, mind, and man are all Undone.

Own PATH

I walk lonely
in the sunlight thinking
what is purpose of me
where am I heading to
what makes me happy
I got nothing answered
I was hungry for success
in today's overcrowded
hyprocratic, complex world
influenced by every other one
I was reflection of others
seemed to losing own existence
morale, values and maxims
so tired, frustrated with no energy
to conquer the world that is
perfect in itself, no need to be conquered
I remember the lines then
" Finally, that is better, that one do
His own task as he may, even though he fail,
Than take tasks not his own, though they seem good.
To die performing duty is no ill;
But who seeks other roads shall wander still."

May 13, 2007

Today, three very new and unusual things happened
Annual function of Soka Gakkai at Seminar Hall, IITD
A clip about IITians
The movie called ' Namesake'

Talking by the order, first unusual thing happened unusually. I went to institute for BSW workshop and some other work. Nothing happened of my work. I just saw, there was a great rush outside seminar hall and I went to help desk and asked whether I can enter. I got permission somehow with the condition of not telling other boys. I was instructed to move to on the first floor and reason was of my being young. Believe me, First time I felt young at that moment. After that, chanting started by some women and girls. It was an annual meet of a group called Bharat Soka Gakkai that means creating values. There were four stories told.

The first one was of a young man getting victory after financial crisis with the help of
chanting and struggles.

Another one was of a girl of DPS poor in study but still struggling and helping her two blind classmates and finally passing 12th, getting gold medal and becoming nursery teacher in DPS.

The third one was of a mother and her daughter not having good relationship with her husband. She started to taking care of her daughter independently without any help from her husband. Her daughter wanted to go abroad to study but could not go due to health problems of her father. In that period of her father's illness, she and her mother developed good relations with her father again. Now, her father is also right, relations also have more love and she has got letter from 2 no. university in US.

The last one was of a women struggling with cancer and finally with the help of chanting and techniques given by this organisation, she has now been able to throw out 90% of her cancer.

I was really impressed by the love, joy, hope, faith, happiness residing in everybody there. Today is mother's day also. There were some examples of mother's devotion towards her child. It brought me in the stage to think about purpose of life and my path that i am following today. My thinking seemed very small today.



The second unusual thing was watching a clip 'about IITians' . I had seen it a year back but now, it seemed to me very fresh and making me realise about the potential of IITians and also the responsibility. I thought whatever I am studying is going to waste because I was just mugging without having any particular motive. I would like to quote few lines of N.R. Narayanmurthy - " It is easy to lose hope in this country. It is very easy to set your aspirations low in this country. But amidst all this, this competition among high quality students, this institute, IIT set your aspirations much higher."



And the third thing was watching a movie ' Namesake'. It was a wonderful movie by Mira Nair casted by splendid performance of Tabu and Irfan Khan. It really tells about the parents dedication to their child. Gogol is the name of Irfan khan's son that he gave after his ideal author named Gogol.

IIT as I see it

I will be a mechanical engineer passed out from IIT Delhi after 2 years. It is heard that there is a lot of craze of IIT. It has produced world class engineers and entrepreneurs.It may be true. But I have a different perspective. After 2 years in IIT, my experience says that IIT is not something that I had thought of. The IIT system puts a huge pressure on students, holds international seminars, organises some "famous" festivals and attract MNCs saying that our students can do very much in very little time.
I personally feel that freshness in studying under this system has gone. People are hungry for getting only good jobs in any way. The illusion of managment learning by working on a post, the illusion of knowledge by doing internship in a company, the illusion of dedication and committment by getting an above average CGPA, people here have so much illusions. The funny part is that everyone is making fool to every other one.
The name of IIT has remained till now only because of making students sloggers by minors, majors, quizzes, term papers, assignments, reports and of course by creating environment in which students are obliged to feel that they are nowhere without much prestigious "extra cirricular activities". Everyone tries to be co-ordinator of Rendezvous and collect a number of posts and also having one night stand with books before exams so that one can feel comfortable at the time of resume-making.
Grades, CGPA, Post, foreign intern have become crying out "stereotyped" primary and foremost motives. Suicides in IIT indicate the immaturity of IITians.There is hot discussion that students are no longer interested in core engineering job and prefer i-banks or consultancy job. A section thinks that this shift is wastage of government money as motive of IIT is to produce 5000 quality engineers (now even more due to reservation) every year. Also, people go to foreign countries and do not do anything for mother country. But we do not have any solution as people are free to work where and what they want. So what is the conclusion? IIT is failing to achieve its objectives. Why? Because it has failed to motivate students towards engineering job.
There is lack of quality teachers here. If a teacher is good in teaching and able to develop the interest of students in the course, students will attend the class for sure but we have to force the students by attendance rule. I have seen many professors who have vast knowledge but are unable to communicate well to students. They consider their work completion by just coming to class and writing on the board. There are many professors who that do not feel good when student raises finger for doubt , they just keep lecturing. Their only motive is to complete the course in time. They can not take extra class if course remains. They are just not happy with students and try to de-motivate them. People get good grades by showing impression. There are many professors like that. If we talk about teacher assistants then situation is even worse. Some do not know for what they are sent. All professors are not like that, of course. Some of them are really committed towards their work and love students from heart.
If a teacher does not love students how much can he give forcibly and for how long? Students also simply do not know to respect the teachers. They just can not stand up for a while for the teacher who teaches them knowledge, serving institute for whole of his life, gives them good job. They just do not know how to say Good Morning when they happened to meet the teacher at some place. Students think that professor is not doing any favour to them, it is his job. Professor thinks that students just do not want to study and learn so force them to learn. When a relationship is based on the typical rules and forces without having slight touch of love and affection, you can not blame any one for any thing wrong that happens. We all are creating our own spaces that conflict with the others’. We just can not dare to think long. We just can not dare to be left out of the race.
In hostels, students just do not know how to behave professionally. Hostel politics has worsened the situation. They are very arrogant and selfish in nature. Everyone tries to take bigger piece of small cake. We can not tolerate that our friend is doing good. We can not motivate anyone to do great work. From the very first year, we are caught in the stereotyped way of doing things in IIT with the help of our “helpful” seniors. We are affected the most by our seniors, not by guardian or teacher.

This is first time

Uncommonness



Oh my God!where I am,
Unidentified stream
emerging from unseen direction
taking me with her flow;
Actually I never tried to realize it,
feel it,accept it;
I always thought
this flow was unusual;
for me only,
I always thought,
this flow was powerful
to take me only ;
I guess it will
end into a sea ,
That sea was my
own imagination ,
own determination,
I simply thought
the whole world
will assume its power,
respect its waves,
appreciate its silence,
congratulate its greatness,
It was my own world;
I was happy with me;
I was delighted
with my unusualness;
But then I realize
we all are creating
our own streams,
each having
some uncommonness;
But we don’t see
it must end
into a sea ;
which is great,
which is big,
Our streams
conflict with each others’
They don’t seem
to expand themselves;
They want to retain
their own shape & size
and they are happy with it
and they are delighted with
such uncommonness;
But they don’t realize,
There is something common to all.
There is something natural to all.
When this commonness will meet
retaining uncommonness,
When this natural will meet
retaining artificial,
There will be wholeness then.
There will be completeness then.